Working Through My Anxiety
I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. When I'm feeling anxious, my mind is racing, my heart beating, and it feels like it's going to jump right out of my chest. My thinking is irrational, and I ponder on all of these what-ifs. I have no peace and only think about negative things. My stress level is high, and I am extremely overwhelmed. I feel insecure, unstable and out of control. Have you ever felt like this before?
Nowadays, anxiety is so common. There are so many people I know who struggle with this issue, and it seems to be getting worse. For me, there are so many factors that make me an anxious person. In my other blog posts I talk about how my childhood wasn't the greatest. Things in my life were very unstable, and I never felt secure. On top of that, I'm impatient. I don't like waiting or not knowing. Uncertainty itself triggers my anxiety. Furthermore, I don't like to feel my emotions and my automatic response is to stuff them. This makes it hard to heal or work through my stuff. I'm learning that feeling it helps me to process it and go through it. Which is what I'm learning to do with anxiety.
During my summer class, my professor explained anxiety in an easy-to-understand way. She told us to think about a beach ball that is filled with air. She then asked what would happen if we pushed the ball under water. If we let it go, it would shoot up. She described the tension between the ball and us pushing it down; that tension is anxiety.
You see, our body does a pretty good job of regulating itself. Crying, sweating, urinating, and even passing gas are ways our body releases things; it’s our body's natural response. Sometimes our bodies will bring up certain things that we have been pushing down, things we need to address. If you're like me, you're used to pushing things down; but it continues to come up or find other ways of releasing itself. Your body and mind wants to relieve itself and will look for other outlets or avenues. It doesn’t want to be stuffed down, and that is one reason why we have anxiety. Another way to think of anxiety is like an alert or pop-up, that is letting you know something needs attention.
I am working on a lot of things that need attention. I am working on feeling my emotions and addressing them as they arise, like feelings of hurt, fear, or anxiety. What do I do you may ask? First, I acknowledge that I am anxious (sad, mad, hurt). I don't try to dismiss the feeling or push it away anymore. Then, I try to figure out where the anxiety is coming from. Why am I feeling this way? Am I scared, stressed, or struggling? What am I worried about? Did something happen recently to make me feel this way? Once I figure that part out, I continue to process it. Lastly, I address my thoughts and feelings and finally, I perform a reality check on them to see if they are valid or irrational.
Let me give you a real-life example:
It was Saturday and I was leaving class (I had class from 9 am-2:30 pm that day). My church was having a big three-day conference. I was feeling guilty about missing the first half of service and thought in the back of my mind, that the better decision would have been to miss class. However, if I would have missed class, I would have had to withdraw, which would then affect financial aid and the timing of the rest of my program. However, those reasons didn't stop the fact that I was feeling ashamed and comparing myself to all the other people, who were already there helping. I just felt so much pressure.
So when I got home from class, I changed and ate very quickly. After scarfing down my food, I hopped into the car and drove to the conference. It was about 30 minutes from my house, and I was driving faster than usual. I was feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. My heart was beating fast, and I just wanted to get there as fast as I could. I thought, so many people are relying on me, I'm letting them down. I'm not reliable or dependable. They probably think I'm so lazy or that church isn't important to me. I'm such a let down. Am I even a good Christian? I'm such a failure... and so on.
Then, I thought about what my professor said about anxiety and decided to process what was happening. I asked myself, okay, why am I feeling so rushed and anxious? (I am feeling this because of this.) Once I gathered the information, I did a reality check. How many of the things I was thinking was true? A lot of them weren't actually true. So, I told myself that school was a justifiable reason for missing the first half of the event. I also told myself that there probably isn't anyone thinking I am undependable. (That was a just a false narrative that I created for myself.) I told myself that I didn't have to be in a hurry to get there. I reassured myself that the event was important to me, and that was why I was feeling so overwhelmed and guilty. I reminded myself that I was dependable, and that I had been there helping the day before, and that I would be there all day tomorrow.
After I did this, I felt relief and the anxiety was gone. It was like a balloon deflating because I allowed myself to feel and address the anxiety. I had never done that before and felt so much better! I bet if I hadn't done that, I would have been miserable the rest of the day. If I had tried to shut it out, I would have been anxious, and it would show physically. My heart would be pounding, and I would probably be dwelling on all those negative thoughts (and probably create new ones). Then, I would have felt ashamed and embarrassed when I got there, which would then make me want to keep to myself.
It was so life-changing to process that; I am really proud of myself for being able to do that! Furthermore, being anxious and worrying is a sin; God doesn't want us to worry. He specifically tells us, in Philippians 4:6-7, this: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (NKJV).
When we feel anxious, we should pray and talk to God. We can also talk to others, so they can reality check our thoughts. If we aren't aware of what we are feeling or why we are feeling a specific way, we can ask God and others for guidance and clarity. God is our Comfort and wants us to have peace.
I know so many people who struggle with anxiety, and it pains me. I feel terrible that people have to deal with panic attacks, but that isn't the way God wants us to live. I learned that anxiety also has to do with control. I've told you in previous blogs that I have a desire to be in control, because for many years, my life had been so out of control. I have a type A personality and like to be prepared. I want to know what is coming ahead and have things organized. I don't want any surprises, hiccups, or problems. But life doesn't work that way. I've learned that life is about trusting God, something we all need to work on. Life can suck sometimes, but is even worse when all we do is worry, stress, or have anxiety.
Do you know what the opposite of anxiety is? It is calmness, serenity. When we are worrying, it is because we don't truly trust God. We don't think God can help us in our circumstances, or we question His love for us. If we knew the fullness of God’s love, we would have a lot less anxiety and worry. May I remind you of Jeremiah 29:11 that says, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I don't know about you, but having peace (and maintaining that peace) is one of my goals. I don't want to waste anymore time being down, overwhelmed, or stressed. I want to enjoy life, regardless of my circumstances. I want to overcome my anxiety. I may not have to be in control, but I sure don't want my feelings or circumstances to control me. I want to make the most of every moment and everyday, and I want that for all of you also.
Let us pray.
Heavenly Father,
Thank You for your son, the Prince of Peace. Thank You for the Holy Spirit, our Comforter and Advocate. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who struggles with anxiety. So many of us do. Please help us Lord. Show us what feeds and drives the anxiety. What causes it? Is it our lack of trust in You? Please help us address it, to work through it. Forgive us for being fearful or not relying on You. Bring healing to us. Be gentle with us. Help us to overcome the anxiety, and set us free. Thank You in advance for Your help and deliverance. We give You praise. In Jesus' name, amen.
Prayerfully,
Pam
