Marriage Part 1 of 3

Before God saved my marriage, I was hurt, broken, and empty. I wasn't even living. I was out of love, tears, trust, and hope. I felt neglected, abandoned, and unimportant and succumbed to my status as last place in my husband's life. Eventually this deep hurt began to layer itself with hardness and built a hard shell around my heart so that I would not be vulnerable to additional pain. I acted like I didn’t care about him anymore and forced myself to become independent. No longer would I rely on him or in our marriage. I pushed down any emotions that tried to rise up, and refused to hurt. Eventually I became numb. Our marriage was headed down a slippery slope, and I felt it would eventually end up divorced just like those I saw around me.

Then, a sliver of light broke through my darkness. God. Remember when he delivered my daughter from tormenting spirits? (If not, you can read Giving My Life to Christ). He not only stopped her from being tormented, but he wanted to heal me also. He was well aware of all the deep hurt, pain, sadness, and grief I buried deep inside me, and wanted to make me whole again. He also showed me that although each marriage has problems, not EVERYONE was divorced. But I had to make a decision (God won't force us to do anything). Did I still want to be married? If I did, it wouldn’t be easy, but it would require patience, time, effort, energy, prayers, and faith. Also, I would need to continue to fight for my marriage and to do it His way. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and reluctantly agreed. I was out of options; I had done it my way and it obviously wasn’t working. Despite my hard heart, a little piece inside of me had hope. I like to say I had faith the size of a mustard seed that my marriage could be renewed, but it may have even been smaller than that. As a last effort, I gathered what was left of me and submitted it to God. I felt lifeless and that our marriage was dry and dead, but I gave my last shard of hope to God to make my life and marriage better (along with all the hurt, pain and unforgiveness).

When I got serious, I laid down my hurt and immediately starting praying for my marriage. I allowed God to crush my hard heart and even became vulnerable. Then God began working on me. Yep, that’s right. Not my husband, but on me. Each time I’d point my finger at all the bad, annoying, frustrating, selfish things he would do, God would show me my faults. I’d shout at, debate, reason with, and beg God to change him and to make my husband see his selfish ways but God wasn’t having it. I asked how long it would take my husband to come to Christ and God reminded me of how long it took for me to. I pleaded saying that at least I was making an effort and at least I was praying. I justified all the righteous things I was doing and pointed out all the unrighteous things my husband was doing. It was so difficult; I often found myself face-down on the floor in tears. I cried and wept, more than I can count. Tears flooded my pillows, but it was oddly refreshing and renewing. God wanted me to stop worrying about my husband and only focus on Him. God was working in me and sometimes it hurt, a lot. I felt like pizza dough being twisted, molded, spun, and stretched; it didn’t feel good at all. There were many times that I wanted to give up; I felt as if my heart could not handle it, but by God’s grace I kept at it. God led me to the book Power of a Praying Wife and to the movie Fireproof. My eyes were opening and mind was being renewed through conviction and His Words of life. I was changing and even my husband saw the changes. I had to learn God's Word and acknowledged my faults, then I was able to make positive changes that would help my marriage.

Let us Pray.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for those reading and thank you for the institution of marriage. Often times, marriage isn't easy and even Adam and Eve struggled in their marriage, but with your help, we can pull through. Lord, be with those who are struggling with their marriage no matter what stage they are at or circumstances they are in. Help them to see Your Will for their lives. There could be many reasons a marriage isn't working, but I believe You can do and heal all things. Show them that there is hope and that You hear our prayers. I pray for a spirit of reconciliation to be upon them and that you would eliminate all the strife, deceit, and malice. If a marriage does not work out, please be with each person and bring healing to them and their families. Help us to diligently seek You and Your Will for our marriage and lives.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thank you for reading. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Prayerfully,

Pam