I Need to Confess
There are a few things that I need to confess to you all. I need to confess that I am weak and feeble, that my faith greatly lacks (in certain areas), and that I feel like a hypocrite. I confess that I still sin; I throw temper tantrums, scream and shout, and question God. I worry and get anxious often (to the point where I want to vomit). I am a people pleaser. I find my worth and value in the things I do, and what I can get done. I feel worthless if I'm not doing anything productive. I have a long list of insecurities, and am still trying to find who I am in Christ. There are times when I find it hard to pray, and feel defeated or depressed. I am prideful. Sometimes I ask myself if its worth it to go on. I am fearful, and I can't be still. I am impatient, and I don't know how to relax. I can't enjoy life unless I've marked tasks off my to-do list; yet, I quickly add to it or move on to the next thing. I don't know how to rest, other than sleep. I am constantly bombarded with negative thoughts and emotions. My walk with Christ is actually very difficult, especially right now. I don't feel close to Jesus at all. For the past few days, I have really been struggling with anxiety. It seems to have gotten out of control since I moved to the West Coast. My heart beats rapidly, and my mind won't stop racing. Waves of overwhelming sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness come and go. Sometimes I just want to quit all of it, and go home to be with Jesus.
Honestly, I haven't been in the mood to blog, or even go Facebook Live. I feel like I can't face you all until I have gotten all of these things off my chest (I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve). Let me try my best to explain. Have you heard the saying, practice what you preach? This can have a negative or positive connotation, depending on how you look at it. Lately, I've been pondering this statement. I've been reading my old blogs, asking myself why I started it in the first place. Then I remember I did it to encourage, uplift, and give hope--to let readers know that someone understands their pain, struggles, and hardships. I write to draw you all closer to God, using my own pain as an example. My goal was, and still is to bring you into a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ, our Savior.
In my struggle this week, I have been asking myself, how can I help you all if I can't even help myself? But I remember that it isn't in my power, strength, or prayers because our salvation and hope all comes from Christ, and Christ alone. I had to drown out the noise, search deep in my heart, and find the flame that burns relentlessly for Christ. (If I lose it all for Christ, it will be worth it.) My goal and desire is to glorify him. Still, I feel inadequate and question if I should continue blogging. You see, it's easy for me to hide (sit) behind a computer screen and tell you to do all of these things (without being in your shoes or knowing exactly what you're going through). It may even sound like I'm telling you to get over what you're going through, or to just pray it away. However, when I write, I write as I'm currently in my own struggles and pain. This blog is like my private journal. It's acts as a release for me in a way, sort of like therapy. What I write/say to you all, I am first writing/saying to myself. If I tell you to pray and have hope, it is because I need to pray and have hope. When I write for you to turn to God or trust in Him, it is because I need to turn to God and trust in Him. (The truth is, it's easy to tell others to have hope, pray, and to remain positive, but hard when we are in the midst, or face our own problems.)
Still, I hope and pray that my blog has not hurt or condemned you in any way. I do not judge you. How can I? I have my own sin and set of problems. Please know that it is not my intention for this blog to devalue you or to overlook/ignore what you are going through. I am not here to tell you what a great job I'm doing (praying, trusting God, worshipping), or to tell you that you're not doing enough. I'm not here to tell you how easy my walk with Christ is, or how frequently I overcome my problems. I know there are things in your life that I don't understand, or problems that I don't have. I am not telling you to be like me. That is not the case at all. When I am writing, I write about my issues or problems as I'm still in it. I write while the pain and wounds are still fresh, so that I can be honest and transparent. I write so you can all learn through my pain and sorrows, so that you avoid going through the struggles that I went through. I desire for my lessons to be your lessons, to help you overcome and find help, hope, and happiness in Christ. I want you to know that you're not alone, that there is someone who cares. So I want to apologize if I have ever made any of you feel that way. Please let me know if I have so I can learn from it, and apologize personally.
For me, if I am in a conflict of any sort, I try to analyze myself first. I recall my actions, words, and behaviors to see how I contributed to the conflict. I ask myself what I could have said or done to diffuse the problem. I first blame myself (except in my marriage which is so hard to do). I want to take accountability for my actions. This is the same when I read the Bible or listen to a sermon, I apply it to myself first. I ask, What is God saying to me? What do I need to change? I welcome God's correction and insight. I do this so I can learn, grow, heal, and become more of who God wants me to be. So please know that as I write my blogs, I am questioning and addressing myself first, before you all. I am not perfect, nor do I have it all together. Every day, God is showing my weakness and His greatness. I still have wounds and many things to work through. God is working on me, and I've come to the conclusion that it will take all of my lifetime before it is complete. Philippians 1:6 says He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Now that I have made my confessions, I want to leave you with this Bible verse. It explains (somewhat) my heart and purpose of this blog.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Know that I am praying for you all, as well as myself, and if you are willing, please also keep my in your prayers. Each of us are on our own journey of faith, but I am confident (w/Christ as our Lord) that we will get through journey, together. Thank you all for your time, and for supporting this blog. God bless you.
Let us pray.
Father God,
Thank you for this blog and for using my pain to help others. Please forgive me if I have ever made it about me. Lord, also forgive me if I've written anything to hurt the readers, or did not glorify You. Right now I lift up the readers to You in Jesus' name. Continue to be with the readers, and pursue them with Your love, kindness, mercy, grace, comfort and peace. Bless them, provide for them, heal them, give them breakthrough, and intervene in their lives. May all that I say and do direct them all, to You. Lord, if it be Your Will, continue to use me--my words, experiences, troubles, hardships, thoughts, learned lessons, life, and the blog to help them. Let them know that You are an ever present help (Psalm 46:1), and that You will never leave them or forsake them (Deuteronomy 31:8). I surrender myself (all of me) and this blog to You. Have Your Way and let Your Will be done. In Jesus' name, amen.
Prayerfully,
Pam
